I Forgot My Suitcase
The past few weeks have been a bit chaotic in our home. Not bad chaos, but chaos nonetheless. It’s summertime! We’ve had family in town, ever evolving work schedules, toddler tantrums starting up, and a new city we’re still settling into. As much as we’re enjoying the majority of it, it can take its toll, and I notice when I get overwhelmed my tendency is to seek control of anything and everything. From the big things to the little.
By now in my walk with the Lord I’d like to think I’ve worked through some of the big and obvious temptations with control, like controlling my spouse or controlling things that are clearly out of my hands. But lately I realized I wasn’t as fully freed from control as I was wanting to believe (surprise, surprise.) It wasn’t so much the obvious, big stuff but the subtle, small stuff. Schedules, structure, meal prep, even my baby's naptime routine…I was getting a bit overboard with it all and I could feel it. My body was stressed, and though my husband was too patient to say it, I could read from his expression a strong desire to say “lady. chill. out.” (He calls me Lady when he’s being sarcastic. I think it’s cute!)
Beyond my own body's cues, or my husband's lovingly silent nudges, I felt the Lord poking my heart. He was convicting me…structure isn’t always bad, but I was holding onto it too tightly and I knew it.
James 4:17 "If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn't do it, it is sin for them".
I knew at this particular time in my life, clinging onto this level of control was turning into sin. It felt wrong, it felt obsessive, and I knew it was time to resurrender….
…And so I did, and everything got so much better and that’s the end of this story!!
KIDDING!!! If only! Maybe one day I’ll be obedient enough to listen to the Lord immediately when He whispers…but in the meantime, I’m a work in progress, and I’m so thankful His grace is sufficient! He loves us all where we’re at, but He loves us too much to let us stay there.
So, in love, he gave me no choice but to practice releasing control this past weekend. You see, we planned a road trip to my hometown to see my family for a few days! We were so looking forward to it. You best believe I prepped, planned and packed thoroughly, to assure we’d all have a smooth and enjoyable trip. Moms, you know packing with a baby is no joke. As much as we’ve travelled this past year, you’d think I’d know how to go the minimalist route by now, but alas, the car is still jam packed every time.
In all the chaos of getting out the door to hit the road, no one noticed my suitcase was left behind. The suitcase that had quite literally every time of mine in it, from my toothbrush to my makeup to all my clothes ... .left behind. We didn’t realize until we had safely made it to my parents. About an hour into settling in and catching up with family, I asked Connor where he placed my brown bag when he unloaded the car.
“Bag? What brown bag??”
I’d love to say I immediately laughed and said “oh well! This will be an adventure!” but that would be a lie. For about two minutes I threw myself a little pity party, thinking about every cute outfit I’d laid out, every item I’d packed just so, so as to have a smooth (and aesthetic) visit. I’d even packed matching sweaters for my son and I to wear together that I’d saved specifically for this trip. I sat on my parents steps and huffed and puffed.
…But I didn’t get more than a minute or two into pouting when I so clearly felt the Lord say “let’s laugh about it.” It felt like a friendly challenge, an invitation into His easy yoke, right then and there. I could ruin my weekend and everyone else's complaining, or I could realize how silly and unimportant of a crisis this really was. It’s just stuff, and it’s not even my baby's stuff, (that would have been a harder pill to swallow!!) My son and husband had all they needed. It was just my things, and I was literally in a house with three other women who gladly would let me borrow the basics.
It wasn’t a matter of having basic provision, it was a matter of control. I thought I had this trip all planned out and this little hiccup changed my plans. I had no choice but to surrender control and enter into the uncomfortability that comes with unexpected plans. Would I dare laugh at this mishap and let joy enter the picture?
I won’t bore you with the details of how I managed throughout the weekend without my things, because that’s not the point. The point is, that trip was freeing. Living in simplicity is freeing. The time I would have spent unpacking, picking outfits for different occasions or getting ready was instead spent being insanely present. I couldn’t believe how much a lack of belongings could change how I spent my time. I found myself outside more, I played with my son in a deeply present way, and I was the first one ready every time we left the house, because I had one outfit!
I truly hope the next time I feel myself gripping my days too tightly, I remember to release control before God has to hide my suitcase again. But I have a feeling in His love for me, He will hide it as many times as I need, to wake me up and remind me to hand the steering wheel back to him. I’m so thankful I said yes to His invitation to laugh. It’s a funny memory now, and hopefully one that will always point me back to surrender, simplicity, and His never ending provision.
Digging Deeper:
Is there an area of your life you know the Lord is asking you to surrender control over?
Is there something in your life that may not be outright sin, but you know is currently sin in this season?
If something comes to mind I encourage you to:
Journal through it. Sometimes writing freely can help us identify what is going on inside making us run to unhealthy habits, people or things.
Share with a trusted friend. A spouse, a girlfriend. Someone who loves you and who is strong in their faith. You want to confess with safe people who encourage you to lean into God’s truth.
Pray. Pray on your own, and if you’d like, pray this prayer below:
Lord Jesus, I acknowledge that in this season of my life, this [insert your own confession] feels like sin. It feels disobedient and I sense You are inviting me into obedience and surrender. I hand this area over to You, and pray that You meet me in this surrender. Convict me lovingly when I fall short or feel tempted, and help me remember that You are refining me out of Your pure love for me. Thank you that you are a perfect Father, and You know what is best for me in every season. I worship You. Amen
