How You Pray For Your Husband Matters.
How do you pray for your husband?
“The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.” - James 5:16
My husband Connor and I have been together for five years and married for nearly four. Depending on who you ask, we could still be classified as newlyweds. We are certainly still young and have a long way to go, but I’ve been amazed at the way the Lord has grown my prayer life for my husband in these early years of marriage. I I’ve been praying for him since we were dating, but month by month and year by year I’ve watched my prayers for him evolve into something beautiful, sacred even. Not only have I seen many prayers answered in Connor’s life, but I’ve noticed the way the Lord has grown and matured my prayers for him. As the Lord grows me as a wife, He is growing my discernment and understanding of the most impactful ways to pray for my husband.
Not to generalize, but us women tend to struggle with control. No, really. We do. (Hate to break it to you!) The more time I spend with Jesus the more I realize just how much the desire for control is deep within me. As a wife, as a mom, even with finances, travel and daily schedules…my fleshly desire is to control justtt about as much as possible. BUT, we know that God asks us to lay that down daily and surrender everyone and everything to Him. If you’ve never done this total surrender thing, it may sound awful but I promise it’s the most freeing thing you’ll ever do.
One day God brought to my attention that control was an issue in my marriage and in my prayer life for Connor. It was twofold really…firstly, I was praying prayers for him that were coming from a selfish place. I was often praying for things I wanted for him so my day would be better, so I would feel even more loved by him, so my life would be more comfortable, etc. Of course I didn’t know my heart was in the wrong place. There’s nothing innately wrong with praying things like, “Help my husband have joy today”, or “I pray my husband gets the job!”...but God was asking me to examine my motives. My why. I quickly realized that too often my hopes or desires were coming from a selfish place. A place of control. Where I should have been asking Jesus what He wanted to do in Connor’s life, how I could best love Connor, or how He wanted me to pray for him that day, I was focused on myself and my own needs.
And secondly, I was all too quick to take my desires, wishes and prayers for Connor…straight to Connor! If you know me, you know I can talk. Chatter or small talk doesn’t do it for me, but if I get the chance to sit down with someone close to me and share everything that’s on my heart and the ways God’s moving in my life and in the lives of those around me, I will never want to shut up. I live for those conversations. Give me a cute mug filled with coffee and a cozy blanket and it’s likely to be an hours-long affair. With my husband it’s no different. He and I love to talk, to share dreams, and to pray together. Going on “dream walks” has been one of our favorite things to do together since we first started dating. But God began helping me notice that the further we got into marriage, the more often these talks were turning into me telling him all the things I’m praying for him, hoping deep down these would be things he would take to heart. It was less about relying on God to answer the prayers of my heart for him, and more so hoping he’d take the hint and get on my page with things.
The Lord whispered to my heart…“Try talking to me in the secret place.” In a loving and gentle way, God invited me to stop sharing every prayer with Connor. (Yes, I know, “you should share everything with our spouse!”-I mostly agree, but hear me out.) By telling my husband immediately every detail of what I was praying for in his life specifically, it was taking away the power of prayer and the intimacy God longs for with each of His children.
When I started going only to the Father, I began praying about many more aspects of my marriage honestly. My love for Connor grew deeper and deeper. I found myself out on walks, or often on my knees in prayer, praying with a deep fervor. I began joking that Jesus and I were “team Connor” and we had a sacred thing going Connor knew little about. The most powerful part of this shift was that I got to see God’s hand working in my husband's life more clearly than ever. It’s one thing to share with Connor every hope and dream I have for him, and to see Connor begin to live into some of those things…Maybe he took my advice, maybe he too began to pray about those growth areas or specific opportunities I wanted him to seize…but when it’s just you, in the secret place, asking Jesus to bless and transform and uplift and encourage and grow your husband day after day after day…you can no longer deny the power of prayer. You can’t deny God’s hand in every blessing, every small shift, every breakthrough. There have been many moments where I’ve been nearly brought to tears thinking, “God, we talked about this. Wow. You’re doing a work. Thank you.” I began feeling more like a loving supportive wife and less like a mom or a bossy older sister.
As wives we desire good things for our husbands because we love them. Of course you want to see your husband grow in his faith, of course you want to see God bless him with that job, of course you want to see him come alive being a dad! Those are good, beautiful, pure hearted desires. But when we lack the self control or discernment to know what to do with those good desires, manipulation and control can enter the picture and choke out the fruit that God desires to produce in your marriage.
So what can we do as loving wives who want to pray daily for our dear husbands to become more like men of God every day?
Examine your heart. Are your prayers truly stemming from a place of wanting to see your husband become more Christlike? Of wanting to see him step into his God given callings with gumption so He can be the husband, provider and father God made him to be? Of seeing Him transformed for the good of your marriage and family for generations to come? …or are the prayers selfish? Short sighted, and focused only on the now and the natural? Is your heart seeking control and comfort, or freedom and surrender as a family?
Begin to take your prayers for him to the secret place! Certain prayers are to share and pray as a couple, others are only for you and Jesus to know about. Write down some of your prayers and desires for him and for your future as a family and see if God is highlighting which should stay in the secret place, even if just for a season!
Leave room for the miraculous. Sit back and be AMAZED by the power of prayer. When we diligently and earnestly partner with God in prayer, miracles happen. Marriages heal. Hearts soften. Breakthroughs that once felt impossible happen in front of our eyes. And we’ll be able to say, “That was all God.”
